Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize