Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
