I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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