She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
