he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
