Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
