So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
