theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
