I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
