I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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