Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
