when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
