why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.