My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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