I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
