Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
