my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
