if you like me you must not know who I am
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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