I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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