She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
