If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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