my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
