I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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