I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
