The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
