I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
