I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
