I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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