Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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