You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
