Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
