4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
