im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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