When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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