I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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