So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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