Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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