my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
