and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize