My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
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Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
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Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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