meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
