would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
