my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
