I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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