Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
