Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
