He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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