Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
