i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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