You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
