It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
