I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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