12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
